Friday, March 26, 2010

Announcing the Oath of Non-Douchebaggery

Now that I fancy myself a political blogger, I'd like to form the Civility Party. We will wear cool uniforms and have tea and crumpets on the veranda. Or beer and nachos. I haven't quite made up my mind.

Our political action squad will be known as Americans for Everybody Growing the Hell Up Already. Our first order of business will be to put Ronald Reagan's name on every airport and outhouse across America. Oh, wait, that's Americans for Tax Reform.

However, like our friends at ATR, I'd like to encourage our politicians to sign a pledge. Instead of an anti-tax pledge, let's call it the Oath of Non-Douchebaggery. Here are the tenets:

1. I solemnly swear to remember that God (or evolution, if that's your bag) gave us all two ears and one mouth for a reason. We are supposed to listen twice as much as we talk.

2. I will not disrupt the proceedings of our democratically elected government with inane outbursts, particularly anything along the lines of baby killing, lying or any party being in favor of anyone dying of neglect. This is because my mama taught me how to act. Moreover, if a member of my party engages in said disruption, justice will be swift, and will hopefully involve free doughnuts for everyone.

3. Should supporters of my cause disrupt said proceedings, and be escorted off the premises, I will not hoot and holler like an eighth-grader witnessing a cafeteria slapfight. This is because eighth grade was a very long time ago.

4. The buck stops with me. If any supporter of my cause engages in morally repugnant behavior, such as racial epithets, spitting or acts of terrorism against my fellow elected officials, I will react immediately with something a little less pansyish than referring to said repugnant actions as "isolated incidents."

5. I will not invoke the words socialism, communism, fascism, or any other -ism without a rudimentary understanding of what those terms actually mean. Also, I recognize that the word "Nazi" is not to be taken lightly, in fact, its use should be avoided. This is because I'm not a red-baiting McCarthyist douchebag. Though the term "red-baiting McCarthyist douchebag" is probably also best avoided.

6. I will assume that everyone is just doing their best and their disagreement with my principles is not malicious in intent. In fact, their ideals and views are probably just as heartfelt as my own.

7. I will recognize that the statement, "Yeah, but the other side acts like babies, too," is a total copout. Poor behavior, no matter its source, should be condemned.

8. I will recognize that there is at least the tiniest sliver of a chance that I could be wrong. Moreover, if I am demonstrably wrong, I will say so, instead of hiding behind spurious or flimsy arguments to the contrary.

9. I will recognize that I have been entrusted with a tremendous honor: to help govern a great nation. With that trust comes responsibility.

10. I will laugh at idiotic, senseless and misspelled protester signs, no matter their source. This is because stupid people are awesome, no matter their political views.

Does anyone have anything they would like to add? Or is everyone just hoping for free doughnuts?


The Lily said...
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Clairebell said...

Demonization and hyperbole solve nothing?

But I'd settle for free doughnuts, in a heartbeat

Ibid said...

What is this? Cake donuts? Cake donuts love Hitler!

[F]oxymoron said...

Are we talking Fractured Prune donuts!?!

Shannon said...

Clairebell/Ibid/Foxy - I am now convinced that I can write anything I want, just so long as I mention donuts in teh first three paragraphs.


Plot to overthrow US Government...hey, where did everybody go?

Jamie said...

These are wonderful sentiments! If only when most people used the word "Patriot," they meant that they agreed with these ideals.

I can't help but wonder, though, do these ideals still apply after several bourbon-slushees?

Dave said...
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Dave said...

People who rudly disrupt proceedings should be forced to stand in a corner where they are not allowed to speak and perhaps should wear a cap that says "naughty". C-SPAN could then devote a camera to said corner that would display the names of the people in the corner, and what they did do get themselves put in "Timeout."

Example could be Senator this and that rudly disrupted so and so by calling him a potty mouth. Punishment time remaing 14m:35s

Shannon said...

Jamie - Bourbon is a very genteel liquor, so I anticipate it will only improve civility.

Dave - Sort of like a penalty box at a hockey game? Hrm, I like it!

Brando said...

What really enrages me is that the two parties will blow hundreds of millions of dollars in an election year to pay consultants and buy ad time to convince us to vote for their jerkwad candidate and if they just used a tiny portion of that they could be providing free doughnuts to walk-ins from the street.

That settles it, I refuse to join any political party that doesn't offer me free food.

Jamie said...

Marion Barry used to bus people to the polls and give them sandwiches on the way, proving conclusively that free food works.

As long as there's punch and pie, I'm there.

Anonymous said...

its amazing how thin the veneer of civility or respect can be, despite thousands of year os social evolution seeing it so quickly disappear scares me in an end-of-civilization way.

i was at the capitol building with my parents last summer and there was a whole display on 2 senetors in the 1800's who were arguing and one bashed another over the head with his cane, never got in trouble, and the other guy was brain damaged for a while and then died.

i was so SHOCKED that that could have happened! not that long ago really! Disclaimer: i have no idea who historically accurate my memory is...but still!

Jamie said...

Well, back in those days, they settled disagreements with a duel to the death.

At least it was always clear who won...

Shannon said...

Brando - So are you adding a free food wing to the Civility Party?

Jamie - But were they crackwiches?

lusty - Well, nowadays we have the Internet, so we bludgeon each other with figurative, misspelled canes. So we've advanced greatly as a species.

Jamie - I challenge you to a duel! To the death? NO! To the pain!

Anonymous said...

I absolutely cannot believe someone got to the "punch and pie" idea before me, and therefore I am not joining the civility party until the donuts are provided. I like Dunkin's, the regular kind, with chocolate icing.


Lemon Gloria said...

I'm a sucker for a cool uniform. And I would like some free donuts, please.

Shannon said...

Jenny - As a proud Southerner, our primary donut supplier will be Krispy Kreme. However, in the interest of pan-regionalism, Dunkin will also be served.

LG - I was thinking silver jumpsuits, with capes.

Mr. J said...

I do, especially for number 10. Morons are funny.

vvk said...