Friday, December 21, 2007

Heckling Wikipedia

Wikipedia is a junior high school book report gone global. Wikipedia is the endless drone of the blind date who knows everything. Wikipedia is the source of all knowledge that is fascinating and highly suspect. I could spend years punching "random article" and reading about world-renowned basket weavers and Iranian racehorses.

But, most of all, Wikipedia is the source of sentences that absolutely crack me up. We'll start by perusing the bio of British porn star Georgette Neale, which is the funniest thing I have ever read. This sentence alone made my day:

Fans often say her physical appeal lies in her good looks, firm breasts and curvy bottom.

First off, did a survey-taker haunt the porno shops of merry olde England, asking strangers why they rented the films of Ms. Neale? And, aren't physical appeal and good looks pretty much the same thing? I like the almost clinical phrasing of "curvy bottom" to describe a porn star. We aren't exactly talking about the Queen Mum here. The entire article is priceless for its British detachment, particularly the totally non-salacious account of Ms. Neale's arrest for indecent exposure.

And for Kohllapse, an unfortunately spelled Australian "gothic-doom metal band." Wow, there's a genre I've never heard of. Let's set aside the entire existence of a gothic-doom metal band named Kohllapse and enjoy the money quote:

The band is notable for its innovative music, which was said to be ahead of its time, that combines darkwave and progressive doom metal, and the fact that they became significantly well-known in both secular and Christian metal scenes.
Innovative means "ahead of its time," meatwad. Also, darkwave sounds like something I'd do to my hair.

And the bio of film star Tiger Prabhakar:

His muscular build and good looks added to the ferocity of his roles.

Substitute "roles" for "performances" and you sort of have a coherent sentence. I also think whoever wrote this wants a slice of Tiger.

And now for my all-time favorite, from the writeup of The Day After:

During the first church services possible after the attack — in the ruins of the local church, with a makeshift cross made from scrap metal — Denise collapses and begins to menstruate uncontrollably.

Is menstruation controllable? A voluntary response? If so, I've been doing it completely wrong for nearly 20 years. I guess the other 3 billion women in the world can wake up and decide, "Y'know, today I think I'll have medium flow."

Solution: Substitute "uncontrollably" for "profusely" and it makes more sense.

And a note: Disaffected Scanner Jockey is pretty much going dark for the holidays. So happy holidays to my readers, my lovers, my haters, my hecklers, and even the commenter who thinks I'm "flapping my gob" due to my "limited intelligence." I'll see you next year!

No comments: