Thursday, December 13, 2007

An Imaginary Conversation with a So-Called Dating Guru

A prankster signed me up for David DeAngelo's dating newsletter. This is a newsletter intended for men. To be exact, for men who insult and offend women until they're so crushed that they put out (but DeAngelo calls it being "Cocky and Funny.") Every day, this guy offers "tricks," advice on how to have "an unfair advantage," and offers strategies on time management (aka, the juggling of multitudinous virtually identical bubbleheaded girly girls).

But now, there's a golden opportunity to learn from The Man himself:

Hey man, I'm going to be doing a one-of-a-kind, very advanced dating training program, probably starting in January. It's going to combine in-person training, home-study components, and intensive exercises...all over a period of several weeks.

There's way too much wrong with this. The mind boggles, then it scrabbles and monopolies. I'm going to zero in on the "intensive exercises." Beer can curls? One-handed bra unclasping? High-speed phone number jotting?

I had to cancel my "Ultimate Man" program because I wound up getting too busy with other projects...and now I've decided to expand it and make it far MORE powerful than it was...

So now you can be the Ultimately Ultimate Man! And fight crime with the Justice League!

Nothing like this has ever been done before, combining accelerated learning techniques, fast-track reprogramming, and my newest concepts (that will truly take you to the next level with women faster than anything you've ever experienced)... along with the top experts in the world... all in one place.

Reprogramming? Isn't that what you do to people after they've left a cult? So isn't this more of a re-deprogramming? And I'm glad something will take you to the next level with women faster than anything you've experienced...especially if all you've experienced in tequila-infused groping at Sigma Chi's fall semiformal.

Since I'm only going to be doing it this program one time (and since I haven't done any live dating programs in over two years), it's probably going sell out almost instantly.

Led Zeppelin, The Police, Hannah Montana...David DeAngelo. Wow. This guy sure has the Cocky part down, but so far I haven't seen the Funny.

If you'd be interested in enrolling in the program, then do me a quick favor...

Shoot yourself.

Take this quick survey that I've set up, and tell me what YOU would like to LEARN in a training like this one.

I'd like to learn why men feel compelled to go to intensive (and expensive) seminars when they could just talk to women like they're, y'know, people.

I'll put you on a special "early priority" list, and give you the first chance to enroll... when it opens up.

Oooh! I'm on the waitlist for the cool kids' table!

One thing: Be honest with me. I really want to know what's on your mind...

That you're a pathetic weirdo that overstates the importance of snaring the ladies? I can create the best possible program for you.

Oh, I must have glossed over that part. The best possible program for me would be no program at all. I live in D.C. and we already have a surplus of egomaniacs and manipulative twits.

Again, this will only be happening ONCE... and will likely be the only live dating program I'll do in 3 years... so go take this quick 5-minute survey, and add yourself to the early-notification list:

Ultimate Man

I just can't get over the name. Ultimate Man! Superhero? Aftershave? Herbal supplement?

Also, the "quick five-minute survey" kills me. Granted, some things that take only five minutes can feel like an eternity (like sex with a DeAngelo disciple, I'd imagine). Still, it's a stupid redundancy.

I'll talk to you soon,
David D.

Not if I talk to you first!


Anonymous said...

Hey Shannon,

Funny, I am just reading "The Game" by Niel Strauss. He describes the whole "pick-up" scene in detail and mentions Mr. DeAngelo numerious times.

It could be a nice little read for you.

Wish you well.

Shannon said...

That would be hilarious. I always thought it would be really funny if I read a book on Game, tried it out on men, and then blogged about it. Or if I spent a week doing everything Cosmo tells me to do.

Anonymous said...

Ahh another comment from some1 who hasn't a clue. Limited intelligence has a habit of flapping its gob. Shannon is a fine example. If you were to read his books, buy a dvd and still come to the same conclusion, then fine, it's ur opinion. However, I'm sure you have done none of this.

Shannon said...

And limited intelligence also has the habit of writing insulting and ungrammatical commentary on a satire blog.

We don't use Princespeak 'round these parts, sir. I don't actually question your intelligence, but I do question your ability to take a joke.

Anonymous said...

Eh, this middle-aged lady's just upset that she can't find a guy who'll date her. Sad.

Anonymous said...

hmmm.. some free dating sites make money with adsense etc..

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