Before we get to 7th Heaven, I'd like to make a few announcements. The move proceeds apace, and I've even gotten rid of some of the furniture. I've also found a lot of bizarre things, like a bunch of twin-size sheet sets (I haven't slept on a twin bed in 6 years). The next step is a yellow fever vaccination, which should be a riot of upturned intestines.
Speaking of upturned intestines, my going away festivities are set for 8 p.m. this Saturday, October 25th at Gordon Biersch. It's near the Chinatown Metro stop at 9th and G NW. Come one and all for big beers and my last chance to hang in a bar where they check your ID rather than your orifices. (Not really, but you do get patted down before you enter a club in Bogota). I'd love to see all of you one last time before I go. Email if you have questions.
Also, as next week's 7th Heaven is a repeat, this will be my last recap for a while. Want to keep the site alive? I'm taking volunteers to record the show and mail it to me in Bogota. Volunteers may submit three words or phrases of their choice for me to include in a recap. Aluminum siding? Weapons of Ass Destruction? You're not the usual cabana boy? Whatever, it's in. Email me for details.
Here's some other crap shows I watch, and would love episodes of to recap:
Mutant X, "Pretty People Pretend to Have Plots"
One Tree Hill, "Pretty People Who Love Basketball and Hate Their Daddies"
The O.C., "Pretty People Talk About How Hard It Is to Be Rich, Young and White"
Tarzan, "Travis Fimmel/Tarzan Removes Clothing, and Jane Is Cross-Eyed and Dumb"
Finally, back to the upturned intestines. Here's this week's 7th Heaven rundown.
"Charity Begins At Home", Airdate October 20, 2003
On the plus side? No narration over still photos. On the minus side? Everything else.
Last night's episode began with the Reverend invoking September 11th (AGAIN) as an opportunity for his congregation to employ themselves in self-serving, parade boat, look-at-me activism. Everyone's supposed to figure out a project that will help others.
Ruthie decides that her "project" is to befriend a new girl at school, Jill, who is Musleeem (seriously, everyone on this show pronounces it Musleeem). We're treated to 7th Heaven's 8th PSA about how we shouldn't pick on Muslims. We're also treated to the idea that it's OK to treat human beings as pet projects.
Kevin decides to start a neighborhood watch, yawn, and Lucy decides to rejoin Habitat for Humanity. They bicker, they make out, and they make me realize that kissing is perhaps the most revolting noise on Earth. Smack, slobber, squish. Eeeew.
Neck of Steel Cecilia gets bangs, which makes her squishy face look even more ridiculous. She decides to more or less raise the Poddlers while Annie's off taking care of Alzheimer Grandpa. Cecilia and Annie get in a phone smackdown, they apologize, and Annie calls Cecilia the Answer to Her Prayers. Dear God: I'd like a blond around the house that makes me look halfway attractive and fashion-conscious. Prayer granted!
Chandler and Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard both volunteer for the same youth organization, and help troubled teens by making out, breaking up, and basically wearing signs around their necks that say, "Don't Turn Out Like Me". The people on this show are the most selfish activists I've ever seen.
Finally, the Reverend decides that his project will be to tell Contrivance Carlos, Mary's husband, to fly all the way from New York to come to dinner. When Carlos arrives, he gets a big fat speech about how he's part of the family now. Geez, how incredibly manipulative to shame your son-in-law into a last minute, cross-country trip. Yuck. Selflessness? Selfishness? To the Reverend, if they sound the same, they ARE the same.
Oh, and at 8:53, Wynonna sings, the Poddlers pray in unison, and I look to my yellow fever shot as sweet, sweet relief.
Intentional humor: 0 Unintentional humor: 4 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 7 Items thrown at television: 2 Emotional Trauma: 5
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Before we get to 7th Heaven, I'd like to make a few announcements. The move proceeds apace, and I've even gotten rid of some of the furniture. I've also found a lot of bizarre things, like a bunch of twin-size sheet sets (I haven't slept on a twin bed in 6 years). The next step is a yellow fever vaccination, which should be a riot of upturned intestines.
Speaking of upturned intestines, my going away festivities are set for 8 p.m. this Saturday, October 25th at Gordon Biersch. It's near the Chinatown Metro stop at 9th and G NW. Come one and all for big beers and my last chance to hang in a bar where they check your ID rather than your orifices. (Not really, but you do get patted down before you enter a club in Bogota). I'd love to see all of you one last time before I go. Email if you have questions.
Also, as next week's 7th Heaven is a repeat, this will be my last recap for a while. Want to keep the site alive? I'm taking volunteers to record the show and mail it to me in Bogota. Volunteers may submit three words or phrases of their choice for me to include in a recap. Aluminum siding? Weapons of Ass Destruction? You're not the usual cabana boy? Whatever, it's in. Email me for details.
Here's some other crap shows I watch, and would love episodes of to recap:
Mutant X, "Pretty People Pretend to Have Plots"
One Tree Hill, "Pretty People Who Love Basketball and Hate Their Daddies"
The O.C., "Pretty People Talk About How Hard It Is to Be Rich, Young and White"
Tarzan, "Travis Fimmel/Tarzan Removes Clothing, and Jane Is Cross-Eyed and Dumb"
Finally, back to the upturned intestines. Here's this week's 7th Heaven rundown.
"Charity Begins At Home", Airdate October 20, 2003
On the plus side? No narration over still photos. On the minus side? Everything else.
Last night's episode began with the Reverend invoking September 11th (AGAIN) as an opportunity for his congregation to employ themselves in self-serving, parade boat, look-at-me activism. Everyone's supposed to figure out a project that will help others.
Ruthie decides that her "project" is to befriend a new girl at school, Jill, who is Musleeem (seriously, everyone on this show pronounces it Musleeem). We're treated to 7th Heaven's 8th PSA about how we shouldn't pick on Muslims. We're also treated to the idea that it's OK to treat human beings as pet projects.
Kevin decides to start a neighborhood watch, yawn, and Lucy decides to rejoin Habitat for Humanity. They bicker, they make out, and they make me realize that kissing is perhaps the most revolting noise on Earth. Smack, slobber, squish. Eeeew.
Neck of Steel Cecilia gets bangs, which makes her squishy face look even more ridiculous. She decides to more or less raise the Poddlers while Annie's off taking care of Alzheimer Grandpa. Cecilia and Annie get in a phone smackdown, they apologize, and Annie calls Cecilia the Answer to Her Prayers. Dear God: I'd like a blond around the house that makes me look halfway attractive and fashion-conscious. Prayer granted!
Chandler and Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard both volunteer for the same youth organization, and help troubled teens by making out, breaking up, and basically wearing signs around their necks that say, "Don't Turn Out Like Me". The people on this show are the most selfish activists I've ever seen.
Finally, the Reverend decides that his project will be to tell Contrivance Carlos, Mary's husband, to fly all the way from New York to come to dinner. When Carlos arrives, he gets a big fat speech about how he's part of the family now. Geez, how incredibly manipulative to shame your son-in-law into a last minute, cross-country trip. Yuck. Selflessness? Selfishness? To the Reverend, if they sound the same, they ARE the same.
Oh, and at 8:53, Wynonna sings, the Poddlers pray in unison, and I look to my yellow fever shot as sweet, sweet relief.
Intentional humor: 0 Unintentional humor: 4 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 7 Items thrown at television: 2 Emotional Trauma: 5
Speaking of upturned intestines, my going away festivities are set for 8 p.m. this Saturday, October 25th at Gordon Biersch. It's near the Chinatown Metro stop at 9th and G NW. Come one and all for big beers and my last chance to hang in a bar where they check your ID rather than your orifices. (Not really, but you do get patted down before you enter a club in Bogota). I'd love to see all of you one last time before I go. Email if you have questions.
Also, as next week's 7th Heaven is a repeat, this will be my last recap for a while. Want to keep the site alive? I'm taking volunteers to record the show and mail it to me in Bogota. Volunteers may submit three words or phrases of their choice for me to include in a recap. Aluminum siding? Weapons of Ass Destruction? You're not the usual cabana boy? Whatever, it's in. Email me for details.
Here's some other crap shows I watch, and would love episodes of to recap:
Mutant X, "Pretty People Pretend to Have Plots"
One Tree Hill, "Pretty People Who Love Basketball and Hate Their Daddies"
The O.C., "Pretty People Talk About How Hard It Is to Be Rich, Young and White"
Tarzan, "Travis Fimmel/Tarzan Removes Clothing, and Jane Is Cross-Eyed and Dumb"
Finally, back to the upturned intestines. Here's this week's 7th Heaven rundown.
"Charity Begins At Home", Airdate October 20, 2003
On the plus side? No narration over still photos. On the minus side? Everything else.
Last night's episode began with the Reverend invoking September 11th (AGAIN) as an opportunity for his congregation to employ themselves in self-serving, parade boat, look-at-me activism. Everyone's supposed to figure out a project that will help others.
Ruthie decides that her "project" is to befriend a new girl at school, Jill, who is Musleeem (seriously, everyone on this show pronounces it Musleeem). We're treated to 7th Heaven's 8th PSA about how we shouldn't pick on Muslims. We're also treated to the idea that it's OK to treat human beings as pet projects.
Kevin decides to start a neighborhood watch, yawn, and Lucy decides to rejoin Habitat for Humanity. They bicker, they make out, and they make me realize that kissing is perhaps the most revolting noise on Earth. Smack, slobber, squish. Eeeew.
Neck of Steel Cecilia gets bangs, which makes her squishy face look even more ridiculous. She decides to more or less raise the Poddlers while Annie's off taking care of Alzheimer Grandpa. Cecilia and Annie get in a phone smackdown, they apologize, and Annie calls Cecilia the Answer to Her Prayers. Dear God: I'd like a blond around the house that makes me look halfway attractive and fashion-conscious. Prayer granted!
Chandler and Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard both volunteer for the same youth organization, and help troubled teens by making out, breaking up, and basically wearing signs around their necks that say, "Don't Turn Out Like Me". The people on this show are the most selfish activists I've ever seen.
Finally, the Reverend decides that his project will be to tell Contrivance Carlos, Mary's husband, to fly all the way from New York to come to dinner. When Carlos arrives, he gets a big fat speech about how he's part of the family now. Geez, how incredibly manipulative to shame your son-in-law into a last minute, cross-country trip. Yuck. Selflessness? Selfishness? To the Reverend, if they sound the same, they ARE the same.
Oh, and at 8:53, Wynonna sings, the Poddlers pray in unison, and I look to my yellow fever shot as sweet, sweet relief.
Intentional humor: 0 Unintentional humor: 4 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 7 Items thrown at television: 2 Emotional Trauma: 5
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
As most of you know, I’m leaving for Bogota on the 30th, which has turned my life into a swarm of errands. Today I applied for a Colombian visa. Rather, because I’m cool, I went to a special diplomatic room where I signed for my diplomatic passport (“Dip Pass”, to those in the know. It sounds, to me, more like a drunken party game than an official document). A Dip Pass is black, and the information page has this weird glittery stuff that makes me look like an Ecstasy-ridden club kid. I pick it up again in 10 days with my visa, which the good folks at the State Department will arrange for me.
I’m still trying to get rid of the furniture, so please let me know if you want anything. I’m also putting up an ad on Craigslist.
“Simon’s Home Video”, Airdate 10.13.03
7th Heaven answers affirmatively to many of life’s little questions. Is it appropriate for a 13-year-old to be in a long-term, steady relationship? Apparently, yes. Is it OK to listen in on private conversations? Yes. Is it appropriate to live in your parents’ garage after you’re married? Yes! Can a minister’s family afford to drink Snapple almost exclusively? Yes.
But now, 7th Heaven has answered a question that’s been chewing at me for years: Is there anything on Earth more boring than a clip episode? YES! And the pioneers at 7th Heaven have found it. I spent one hour of my life looking at still photos of Camdens, while Simon narrated. “This is Mary. This is Lucy. This is Lucy’s husband Kevin.” Really. Since none of the Camdens seem to be on the show any more, maybe the viewers need to be reminded who they are. Occasionally, they’d spin the photos around in a barf-worthy “special as in short bus” special effect. But, mostly, it was narration in bold defiance of the key rule of screenwriting: show, don’t tell. They spent an hour of my life TELLING! Aaargh.
I’d like to think this was some sort of bold experiment, where Aaron Spelling’s team of creative geniuses drank a whole bunch of Jolt Cola one fateful night and rhapsodized about “documentary-style filmmaking.” However, once I typed the phrase “Spelling’s team of creative geniuses”, I realized that, most likely, David Gallagher was being punished for quitting the show by receiving the lamest send-off ever. Or, even more likely, everyone wanted to take the week off, and a clip episode would at least require the editors to show up for work. Most likely of all, this episode was an elaborate prank in which an intern was told to write the episode that would be his “big break.”
Since nothing really happened in this episode, I’ll recap my reactions: Uncomfortable giggling, followed by nervous pacing around the apartment. Mute horror. Mild nausea. And, finally, sweet relief: crushing boredom and mild coma, chased with Yuengling. I don’t think a family values show could drive me to drink, but there you are.
Worst. Episode. Ever. All assessments: 0.
I’m still trying to get rid of the furniture, so please let me know if you want anything. I’m also putting up an ad on Craigslist.
“Simon’s Home Video”, Airdate 10.13.03
7th Heaven answers affirmatively to many of life’s little questions. Is it appropriate for a 13-year-old to be in a long-term, steady relationship? Apparently, yes. Is it OK to listen in on private conversations? Yes. Is it appropriate to live in your parents’ garage after you’re married? Yes! Can a minister’s family afford to drink Snapple almost exclusively? Yes.
But now, 7th Heaven has answered a question that’s been chewing at me for years: Is there anything on Earth more boring than a clip episode? YES! And the pioneers at 7th Heaven have found it. I spent one hour of my life looking at still photos of Camdens, while Simon narrated. “This is Mary. This is Lucy. This is Lucy’s husband Kevin.” Really. Since none of the Camdens seem to be on the show any more, maybe the viewers need to be reminded who they are. Occasionally, they’d spin the photos around in a barf-worthy “special as in short bus” special effect. But, mostly, it was narration in bold defiance of the key rule of screenwriting: show, don’t tell. They spent an hour of my life TELLING! Aaargh.
I’d like to think this was some sort of bold experiment, where Aaron Spelling’s team of creative geniuses drank a whole bunch of Jolt Cola one fateful night and rhapsodized about “documentary-style filmmaking.” However, once I typed the phrase “Spelling’s team of creative geniuses”, I realized that, most likely, David Gallagher was being punished for quitting the show by receiving the lamest send-off ever. Or, even more likely, everyone wanted to take the week off, and a clip episode would at least require the editors to show up for work. Most likely of all, this episode was an elaborate prank in which an intern was told to write the episode that would be his “big break.”
Since nothing really happened in this episode, I’ll recap my reactions: Uncomfortable giggling, followed by nervous pacing around the apartment. Mute horror. Mild nausea. And, finally, sweet relief: crushing boredom and mild coma, chased with Yuengling. I don’t think a family values show could drive me to drink, but there you are.
Worst. Episode. Ever. All assessments: 0.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
The Great Shannon's Stuff Giveaway
Please forward to your friends and whomever may want free stuff.
You know how, normally, people get married and get gifts? Well, since I'm not normal, I got married and I'm giving things away. The following items are free to whomever will come to Southwest and haul them away with no hassle to me:
Full size mattress and box spring
Computer desk
6' tall white laminate bookshelf
Wooden TV stand with built-in magazine rack
Large purple dresser
Clothing, sizes 2-4, and shoes sizes 5 1/2 to 6
Knicknacks, wall art and kitchen/home things
Everything must be picked up by Saturday, October 25 at 2 pm (I leave on the 30th). Anything that isn't claimed goes to Goodwill or the dumpster. I cannot be responsible for moving items or arranging for transportation. Most items are too heavy for me to lift, and I do not have access to a car. If you can show up at a designated time with a truck or van and take it away, it's yours. To claim furniture or get more information, email me at slstamey@hotmail.com. First come first served, and please think about whether it's something you really want. Again, my time is very compressed and I can't deal with "Do I really need it? Can you hold it for me until I decide? Can I think about it for a while and change my mind?" Sorry, not trying to be rude, but I am extremely busy these next few weeks and need to get rid of things quickly and conveniently.
If you're interested in clothing or home items, please let me know and I'll schedule a time when people can come over as a group and pick through my things.
Thanks everyone!
-Shannon
Please forward to your friends and whomever may want free stuff.
You know how, normally, people get married and get gifts? Well, since I'm not normal, I got married and I'm giving things away. The following items are free to whomever will come to Southwest and haul them away with no hassle to me:
Full size mattress and box spring
Computer desk
6' tall white laminate bookshelf
Wooden TV stand with built-in magazine rack
Large purple dresser
Clothing, sizes 2-4, and shoes sizes 5 1/2 to 6
Knicknacks, wall art and kitchen/home things
Everything must be picked up by Saturday, October 25 at 2 pm (I leave on the 30th). Anything that isn't claimed goes to Goodwill or the dumpster. I cannot be responsible for moving items or arranging for transportation. Most items are too heavy for me to lift, and I do not have access to a car. If you can show up at a designated time with a truck or van and take it away, it's yours. To claim furniture or get more information, email me at slstamey@hotmail.com. First come first served, and please think about whether it's something you really want. Again, my time is very compressed and I can't deal with "Do I really need it? Can you hold it for me until I decide? Can I think about it for a while and change my mind?" Sorry, not trying to be rude, but I am extremely busy these next few weeks and need to get rid of things quickly and conveniently.
If you're interested in clothing or home items, please let me know and I'll schedule a time when people can come over as a group and pick through my things.
Thanks everyone!
-Shannon
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
First, I apologize for not sending out a 7th Heaven update last week. I was frantically busy with both settling my medical clearance and helping Roxanne get ready for her wedding.
“I Wasn’t Expecting That!” Airdate October 6, 2003
I wasn’t expecting this show to be quite so awful. The last few episodes of mere mediocrity had lulled me into sleep.
We now have a new character, named Martin, who brings the Credits Grand Total to 15. Assuming an episode is 43 minutes long, that’s 2.86-bar-repeating minutes per character. No wonder this show makes no sense. There’s no time to establish anything for these characters.
Martin is a high school student who follows Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare home from school and spends the day lounging in the Camden living room, watching people come and go. He’s already perfected the Camden stalking talent. At 8:53, we discover his dad is in Iraq, and that we Americans have been neglecting our servicemen. We get to hear Martin pontificate about it, as the Reverend babbles about how he’s going to pray for the troops. So, rather than telling Americans to open a newspaper, get off their lazy asses, and have a faint clue what’s happening in the world, the Camdens allow us to nod sympathetically and perhaps pray once in a while. If we feel up to it.
Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare construct a coal mine out of licorice and bicker. Ruthie at one point actually says to Teeth-to-Spare, “I know I’m being a negative pill. I love your positive attitude.” What the hell kind of tween says that sort of thing? Pill? Did we take a wrong turn and wind up in a Trixie Belden mystery novel? Are the Bob-Whites of the Glen going to solve the mystery of whether Ruthie is adopted? (10 points to whoever gets the reference.) Ruthie also finally asks Peter why he calls her “honey” and “sweetie”, which is, to me anyway, a bizarre speech habit for a preteen. Peter says it’s because that’s what he calls all the “women in his life.” Exactly how many women in his life does he have?
Simon has decided to go away to college a year early, because of the Tertiary Corpse Blood on the Highway incident. However, since he only has 2.86-bar-repeating minutes to grieve, Tertiary Corpse is not even mentioned and Simon mainly slumps around the house looking for sympathy. So much for that semi-interesting plot, and so much for Simon.
Kevin the Evil Robot gets beat up on a domestic disturbance case, allowing for several brand-new and not so interesting slams against women. Turns out that he got beat up protecting Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard, because she is the “weaker partner”. Also, Lucy announces that the fact that Kevin is a “man” and “protects women” makes her horny. Seriously, she tells him that it “turns her on”. Yick. And in, quite possibly, the yuckiest moment of this show’s history, Kevin tells the Reverend that “Lucy and I haven’t had sex since I got beat up.” EW! Apparently he feels like “less of a man.” If Matt EVER said something like that to my dad, I’d be in a widow in less than five minutes. By my own hand.
Finally, in-law Rabbi Glass, perhaps the most irritating Richard Lewis incarnation ever, comes to visit. Turns out he caught his wife kissing the cantor, so he babbles gratingly, drinks beer, and shoves his tongue down Mrs. Camden’s throat. At 8:53, Mrs. Glass comes to visit him at the pool hall and tells him it was a misunderstanding. And in case anyone misunderstands and doesn’t know they’re Jewish, Mrs. Glass announces there are some latkes waiting on the stove. With the way this show portrays Jews, they’ll probably eat the latkes by a menorah and say “oy” a lot.
Intentional humor: 3 Unintentional humor: 8 Preachiness: 12 (anytime these people go near issues, disaster strikes) Histrionics: 4 Items thrown at television: 3 Emotional Trauma: 10
“I Wasn’t Expecting That!” Airdate October 6, 2003
I wasn’t expecting this show to be quite so awful. The last few episodes of mere mediocrity had lulled me into sleep.
We now have a new character, named Martin, who brings the Credits Grand Total to 15. Assuming an episode is 43 minutes long, that’s 2.86-bar-repeating minutes per character. No wonder this show makes no sense. There’s no time to establish anything for these characters.
Martin is a high school student who follows Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare home from school and spends the day lounging in the Camden living room, watching people come and go. He’s already perfected the Camden stalking talent. At 8:53, we discover his dad is in Iraq, and that we Americans have been neglecting our servicemen. We get to hear Martin pontificate about it, as the Reverend babbles about how he’s going to pray for the troops. So, rather than telling Americans to open a newspaper, get off their lazy asses, and have a faint clue what’s happening in the world, the Camdens allow us to nod sympathetically and perhaps pray once in a while. If we feel up to it.
Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare construct a coal mine out of licorice and bicker. Ruthie at one point actually says to Teeth-to-Spare, “I know I’m being a negative pill. I love your positive attitude.” What the hell kind of tween says that sort of thing? Pill? Did we take a wrong turn and wind up in a Trixie Belden mystery novel? Are the Bob-Whites of the Glen going to solve the mystery of whether Ruthie is adopted? (10 points to whoever gets the reference.) Ruthie also finally asks Peter why he calls her “honey” and “sweetie”, which is, to me anyway, a bizarre speech habit for a preteen. Peter says it’s because that’s what he calls all the “women in his life.” Exactly how many women in his life does he have?
Simon has decided to go away to college a year early, because of the Tertiary Corpse Blood on the Highway incident. However, since he only has 2.86-bar-repeating minutes to grieve, Tertiary Corpse is not even mentioned and Simon mainly slumps around the house looking for sympathy. So much for that semi-interesting plot, and so much for Simon.
Kevin the Evil Robot gets beat up on a domestic disturbance case, allowing for several brand-new and not so interesting slams against women. Turns out that he got beat up protecting Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard, because she is the “weaker partner”. Also, Lucy announces that the fact that Kevin is a “man” and “protects women” makes her horny. Seriously, she tells him that it “turns her on”. Yick. And in, quite possibly, the yuckiest moment of this show’s history, Kevin tells the Reverend that “Lucy and I haven’t had sex since I got beat up.” EW! Apparently he feels like “less of a man.” If Matt EVER said something like that to my dad, I’d be in a widow in less than five minutes. By my own hand.
Finally, in-law Rabbi Glass, perhaps the most irritating Richard Lewis incarnation ever, comes to visit. Turns out he caught his wife kissing the cantor, so he babbles gratingly, drinks beer, and shoves his tongue down Mrs. Camden’s throat. At 8:53, Mrs. Glass comes to visit him at the pool hall and tells him it was a misunderstanding. And in case anyone misunderstands and doesn’t know they’re Jewish, Mrs. Glass announces there are some latkes waiting on the stove. With the way this show portrays Jews, they’ll probably eat the latkes by a menorah and say “oy” a lot.
Intentional humor: 3 Unintentional humor: 8 Preachiness: 12 (anytime these people go near issues, disaster strikes) Histrionics: 4 Items thrown at television: 3 Emotional Trauma: 10
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