I tried to watch the Martha Stewart movie for you guys last night, but considering how much I drank to get through last night’s 7th Heaven, going to bed seemed like a better idea. Also, I found it distressing that the actress playing “teenage Martha” had more wrinkles than I do.

This is the last 7th Heaven of the season. Depending on my schedule, I’ll try to keep this site updated throughout the summer. I’ll definitely be posting a review of the American Idol movie. If anyone has further suggestions, please let me know. I’ll take requests.

Life and Death, Part 2 Airdate 5.19.03

Last night on 7th Heaven, we learned that getting your period is a BIG DEAL, Lucy is even more messed up than the creepy local pharmacist, the producers still hate Jessica Biel, Tara Lipinksi ain’t nothing but a trick, Chandler’s dad likes the Yankees, Barry Watson is hot, and Deacon Lou and Detective Michaels like to stand around on the porch and give bad news.

Ruthie’s uterus is apparently worthy of its own two-episode arc. The whole family, one by one, finds out that Ruthie has “become a woman” and takes a moment to congratulate her. Even the Poddlers. While bizarre and disgusting, this plot gave me a chance to have some fun with Mike: I waved a glass of cranberry juice under his nose whenever Ruthie was on the screen. At 8:53, Annie manipulates Ruthie into a family celebration dinner.

Last week, Lucy figured out that she was late for more than when God was passing out brains. Lucy’s “She’s a Woman Now” is late, and her first reaction is to tell Kevin. Oh, of course not, her first reaction is to stuff a pillow under her shirt and pose in front of the mirror. Then she tells Kevin, er, calls Mary to say “I did something” in horror. OK, Lucy, Kevin is required to, ahem, “contribute” before you can get pregnant. You didn’t do this on your own. She spends the rest of the episode avoiding Kevin, then goes to the Promenade with Mary and buys a pregnancy test from the creepy local pharmacist. This is the same pharmacist that knows what brand of tampons Peter’s mom uses, so I can think of about a dozen better places to go. Glenoak has a mall, an airport, a synagogue, and a Buddhist temple, I’m sure they also have a Wal-Mart. The last shot of the episode is Lucy staring glumly at her home pregnancy kit.

In case you are wondering, the producers still haven’t forgiven Jessica Biel for posing half-naked in Gear three years ago. That’s the only reason I can think of for Mary being given such insulting storylines. This time around, she’s married some mystery guy and wants her dad to get her an annulment. Both Lucy and Matt married someone out of the blue, but when Mary does the same thing it’s a horrible sin. I’d guess that she married Robbie, but since Robbie has ceased to exist I’m out of ideas. Perhaps she married her leathery boyfriend from the season premiere.

Tara Lipinski reprises her role as Christine, whom Kevin identifies as a “professional dater.” Only Lucy, with her wacky potential pregnancy hormones, is willing to go the extra mile and call her a hooker. Christine prances around the house in a towel and flirts with Simon shamelessly. At 8:53, Christine decides to quit turning tricks and go have pizza with the Camdens. Ah, the Healing Power of Wholesome Camden Pizza will straighten out all her little slutty problems.

Chandler and his dad finally make up, although it’s much less compelling than it could be. For a terminal cancer patient, Chandler’s dad is pretty active and healthy-looking. He does threaten to beat up the Reverend, though, so he can’t be all bad. Chandler and his dad mumble about the Yankees in the Sports Talk of Emotional Healing. At 8:53, Chandler returns home to Glenoak to slobber on Woefullly Miscast Rachel Blanchard. The scene implies that they are going to have sex, but I'm betting they run off and get married.

Matt is back, although he is given absolutely nothing to do except leave messages for Sarah and stalk Simon. But he’s still hot with the short hair, so he could just read weather reports and I’d be happy.

Finally, Deacon Lou and Detective Michaels show up on the Camden front porch, saying they have bad news, so the season ends with a cliffhanger. If prior 7th Heaven cliffhangers are any indication, we’ll find out that a tertiary character no one cares about has died. The Camdens will sob for 20 minutes, then be totally happy by the next episode.

Intentional humor: 3 Unintentional humor: 7 Preachiness: 8 Histrionics: 8 Items thrown at television: 4 Emotional Trauma: 6