I ran home from Cinco de Mayo drinks to watch this last night, so you guys better show me some love. Last night on 7th Heaven...

“Dick”, Airdate 5.5.03

The previews for last night’s episode cracked me up: “Things couldn’t be happier in the Camden household (footage of people making out)…but someone across the street could threaten it all!” (shot of Dick driving a Buick ominously, which is a pretty neat trick since Buicks rarely get to be ominous). How exactly does Dick threaten the Camdens? Is he going to remove all of their Snapple from the fridge? Don’t get me started about how the hell a minister’s family can afford a fridge full of Snapples. However, I learned a great deal last night: men are evil, women just want the bling-bling, men are evil because they want sex, Neck-of-Steel Cecilia’s family is weirder than mine, and, oh, men are evil.

In the first Men Are Evil subplot, everyone keeps telling Chandler to go home and see his dad before he dies of lung cancer. Chandler is still angry that his dad cut him off for going into the ministry. Aw, poor widdle adult, having to take care of himself! Both Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and the Reverend try to bully Chandler into going home, only to find out that Chandler’s dad told him to stay away. Because Men Are Evil and can’t get in touch with their feelings.

As for Women Wanting the Bling-Bling, Chandler is asked to do marriage counseling for a couple named Cathy and Mark. This subplot features the triumphant return of Mayim Bialik as Cathy. Cathy has been engaged 7 times, receiving an assortment of rings, a pig farm and a boat. Hearing Blossom say “I guess the pigs could ride in the boat” somehow made the whole episode worthwhile for me.

But men are mostly the evil people in this episode. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard tells Chandler that she wants to wait until they get married to have sex, because Lucy talking about her honeymoon made her want to wait. Listening to Lucy talk about her honeymoon would give me dry heaves. However, because men are evil pigs who only want sex, Chandler now wants her more than ever. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard calls Lucy to gloat about how holding out on her man ensures obedience. Barf.

Neck of Steel Cecilia’s parents announce that they’re going to renew their vows. However, it turns out that her parents were never married in the first place. Cecilia’s head bobs about in shock, and her parents get married before they get seasick just watching her.

Finally, last night’s Very Special Men Are Evil Main Plot: Teeth-to-Spare’s mom, Paris, is engaged to Dick. See Dick threaten Teeth-to-Spare. See Dick be syrupy nice and muscle his way into Teeth-to-Spare's and Paris’ private counseling session with the Reverend. See Dick spend all his time with Paris. See Dick demand that Teeth-to-Spare see a child psychiatrist (I would have gone for an orthodontist). See the Reverend make an appointment with Dr. Gibson. During the counseling session, Dick does most of the talking. Afterwards, Dr. Gibson asks Teeth-to-Spare if Dick ever threatened him.Teeth-to-Spare says that Dick was going to get rid of his dog. Dr. Gibson says that Dick is an abuser, and that getting rid of the dog and the kid would have been smart because animals and children are excellent judges of character. Really, there’s nothing more flattering than comparing human beings to dogs. Dr. Gibson points out that Dick was trying to take control by getting Paris to quit her job, taking responsibility for Toothy McTooth away from her, and being at her house all the time. Paris stares in mute shock as Kevin and the Reverend swoop into the room. Kevin informs the room that Dick is on probation for beating his previous wife, then tells Dick that he is not allowed to contact Paris in any way. Because I can’t think of a better way to build Paris’ self-esteem up than make all her decisions for her. Shouldn’t she be the one telling Dick to stay away from her, rather than letting the menfolk take care of it?

Intentional humor: 4 (Blossom!) Unintentional humor: 5 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 3 Items thrown at television: 5