Thursday, April 22, 2010

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Bridezilla?

I usually keep my spring cleaning pretty hands-off and metaphorical. But this year, I've decided to conquer the hall closet.
The hall closet is pretty well piled up with old school reports, a leopard-print Snuggie, more overcoats than seems strictly reasonable, party supplies, and my wedding gown.
*insert annoying cliche sound of record skipping*

Yeah. I'm approaching my fourth annivorcery and I still have my wedding gown. I just plain never got around to selling it. In fact, I even moved apartments with it. But it's time to evict this gown, if only to make room for my fantabulous collection of Pez dispensers.
To that end, I propose: Project Ditch the Dress.
In the comments, please tell me the best way to divest myself of the final (albeit classic and lovely) symbol of my mid-twenties absurdity. A few caveats: Ebay is too much work, I've tried Craigslist, and I'm not paying to ship it anywhere (too expensive). I'm not keeping it or re-wearing it, as 2005 Shannon and 2010 Shannon have somewhat different bodily configurations.
OK, fine: the only way I am getting into that dress involves olive oil and a shoehorn - one of the many reasons why the model in the above photos is not me.
Ideally, I'd like to give it to someone who wants it. It's ivory, has a lace-up back detail and is a street size 2. I have more pictures I can email to anyone who'd like to see them. I'll throw in a veil and a box. Does anyone know a deserving (not to mention very short) bride? Or, can you come up with something really funny we could do with the dress (elaborate pranks in Adams Morgan, anyone?)

So, whatcha got? There might be a dress in it for you...

25 comments:

Jamie said...

You better not be getting rid of that leopard print snuggie...

pixability said...

Two words: tax deduction! Donating it is the way to go.

Shannon said...

Jamie - No fear! I'm getting rid of hte dress to make room for the Snuggie!

Pix - Sadly, it won't help as I don't itemize.

Brando said...

Turn it into curtains like a reverse-Scarlett O'Hara.

lacochran said...

Either shop it through a high-end consignment shop or donate it to the "drag" race in Dupont Circle this year.

lacochran said...

http://www.idoidoweddinggowns.com/consignmentpolicies.html

imgonnabreakyourheart said...

Brides for Breast Cancer. Mail it to them, they will resell it and all the proceeds go to breast cancer research. I know this because it's what I did with my dress!

Ibid said...

Oh come on. I'm sure you'll have no trouble getting volunteers to help you apply the olive oil.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Hey! I know who that model is!

Shannon said...

Brando - But it won't coordinate with teh decor!

lacochran - I Do I Do could work, if only because of the caveat that "bridesmaids are not available for consignment." I hope they mean bridesmaid dresses!

imgonna - Brilliant! I'm too lazy to box it up and mail it, though - do they have dropoffs?

Ibid - Charming. And skeevy. Cheevy.

Snay - These photos are 3 years old...sure you still know who the model is?

Mr. J said...

My best man once bragged that he was a size 2. While he was wearing a pleather miniskirt and flirting with a girl.

Sadly, he's not getting married anytime soon, and he's already purchased the attire for my impending wedding.

Dmbosstone said...

You won't re-wear it? I would of suggest putting it back on and take some ruin the dress photos.

Jessica said...

My mother burned my first wedding dress in the "burn barrel" on our farm. For serious. Oddly, she kept the photos from my first wedding because "you are such a pretty bride." Lucky for her I totally got married again.

Shannon said...

Mr. J - You're engaged? Congrats! And if your best man has any need for a rehearsal dinner gown, you know who to ask. (Er, me.)

Dmbosstone - It's not an issue of won't, it's an issue of CAN'T. I can't physically get into the dress.

Jessica - I still have a few wedding photos floating around, too. What? I looked hot.

Lemon Gloria said...

I'd be too lazy to do all the nice boxing up as well. However, I would vote for stuffing it into a padded envelope and sending it to the Breast Cancer (or another) place. Even if it arrives squashed and wrinkled, the idea of destroying something nice that someone else could benefit from makes me sad.

Shannon said...

LG - Thanks! I'd be sad to just trash or destroy the dress - it's very nice (it was custom-made at an upscale bridal shop in Bogota) and I don't like to be wasteful.

Bateshorn said...

It's a nice dress, but what's the deal with that gigantic phallic thingy in your living room.

Whoa!!!

Shannon said...

bateshorn - It's a futon mattress. It's wrapped in what appears to be a giant condom because the picture was taken shortly after I moved into an apartment and the State Department brought my storage items to me.

FoggyDew said...

Yeah, like how are any other ideas suppose to compete with breast cancer? I will however offer an option. Step 1: Get someone who fits in without the EVOO. Step two: Find a couple of random church weddings taking place this coming weekend. Step 3: Have volunteer from Step 1 show up just as the service is starting.

Hilarity will ensue.

Bateshorn said...

Foggy, FTW.

Zipcode said...

actually, I need to get rid of mine as well --- I can find out the shipping and you throw your dress in with mine for Brides for Breast Cancer

Dakota said...

Two things --

1. I and a friend of mine have a long-standing plan for me to get a tux and her a wedding dress, and then to get dressed up and do really mundane things as a social experiment to see how people react. Like, go jogging in wedding attire. Or hit the movies. Go to the whole foods and buy hummus -- that sort of thing. Once the joy of that wears off, we were planning to go to high-end bars and restaurants and watch the free stuff roll in -- no one would make you pay on your wedding day!

She's not around, (and it sounds like your dress would be too small for her anyways), so -- any chance you'd consider squeezing back into it and going out for a spin on the town with me? I've got a tux and am raring to go. I mean, raring.

2. I ran my first marathon in costume in October of last year, dressed as a hot dog for the Marine Corps Marathon. I ran the National Half Marathon in DC dressed as batman, which was equally good though less delicious. Here's the thing, though: I REALLY wanted to go as a zombie bride, but couldn't find a dress for a reasonable price.

So... how much are you asking for the dress?

Seriously, there's limitless potential here. Let's discuss before you do anything hasty.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Actually, we should have our 'bride' run across town in homage to Rhoda's wedding.

Zip - Thanks! I may just give it away locally, but thanks for the offer.

Dakota - If there were any physical possibility of my getting into the dress, I would be SO DOWN for this. Unfortunately, I tried it on a few weeks back and couldn't even get it over my waist.

You're welcome to run a marathon in my gown, however, you'll want to bustle the train first.

j3n1lynn80 said...

I'm gonna have to go with make some money on it, or turn it into a Halloween costume.
I still have an unworn, gorgeously detailed dress hiding in my parents closet (w/3 bridesmaids dresses). I wanted to have my "unwedding" when it didn't happen, but alas.
I decided it'd be better to make some cash on that precious thing. Ebay is gonna be my friend...in order to save up for my NEW wedding dress in a year :D

hannah said...

http://myexwifesweddingdress.com/