I received an email at work today, speculating on a Cheney presidential bid. As a fortune teller, I am able to determine the course of world events should this occur. A timeline:
March 2008: Dick Cheney announces his bid for the Presidency, declares that as he is neither Executive nor Legislative, he can do whatever he damn well pleases. Other Republican candidates begin to disappear under suspicious circumstances until the only candidates are Cheney and Giuliani.
May 2008: Guiliani is moved to undisclosed holding facility to recover after ill-fated drag queen hunting trip.
July 2008: Cheney wins the Republican nomination by default. Cheney declares himself neither Democrat nor Republican, re-opens the Know-Nothing Party. It is once again trendy to fear Catholics and immigrants, meaning that anti-Hispanic hysteria reaches an all-time high. Any family with chickens as pets is held for questioning and deported to Mexico, regardless of whether they are, in fact, Mexican.
August 2008: Selects Jimmy Hoffa as running mate, Jimmy Hoffa discovered to have been living in Cheney’s undisclosed holding facility.
November 2008: Dick Cheney wins the election, moves to undisclosed holding facility to visit Jimmy and plot further evil. News media report that "None of the Above" is the actual President, however, these reports are quashed in the name of national security.
January 2009: Dick Cheney inaugurated as 44th President, declares that he is actually neither gaseous, solid, nor liquid. As he is the Fourth State of Matter, the space-time continuum is inverted, creating a wormhole by which we are sucked into Alternate Reality America.
March 2009: As there is no Constitution in Alternate Reality America, the following groups are rounded up and held in camps: gun haters, liberals, and anyone who can read above a fifth-grade level.
June 2009: Have you read Revelations lately?