Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Summer of Self-Sufficiency

I found an apartment! It's an urban shoebox, weighing in at an Oompa-Loompaish 481 square feet. I have a balcony overlooking the freeway, meaning I can unleash my inner redneck by drinking beer and watching cars go by. I may even pretend it's NASCAR and yell "Woo HOOOO!" at them. I move in next weekend and I am WAY more excited than I should be. Hooray! An urban holding cell next to the freeway! But it's cheap, it has a balcony, and it's all mine.

As I wrote out a check for the deposit on Friday, I realized that was the first time I'd written a check since 2003. Then I realized I'd completely forgotten where my signature was supposed to go. And, why again was I writing the dollar amount in longhand?

My general lack of adult competency has been troubling me. Between being married and the viselike grip of Mama State, I've been spoon-fed the last three years of my life. I'm finding basic tasks terribly complicated. How did I get so weak so fast? I'd always been so independent. Not to mention strong-willed, stubborn, and completely unable to accept help. It's like I received a complete personality transplant.

So, I hereby declare this the Summer of Self-Sufficiency, where I will accomplish everything I haven't done since 2003. Better yet, I'm adding things to the list I've never tried before, so I'll be even more awesome than ever. So, here are my 20 Steps to Adulthood:

1. Purchase and install lightbulbs.
2. Select, purchase, and hook up one electronic item.
3. Obtain full-time, professional job.
4. Have my own credit card.
5. Go on a date.
6. Operate power tools.
7. Learn how to drive a stick shift.
8. Book a flight.
9. Balance a checkbook. (Note: First, I need to get a checkbook.)
10. Save for retirement. In fact, learn how to save money in general.
11. Put in a maintenance request.
12. Choose the wine at a restaurant, rather than looking around blankly hoping someone else at the table does it for me.
13. Squash a spider, bug, or other creepy crawly, as opposed to subcontracting said squashing to the nearest available male.
14. Win an argument.
15. Obtain health insurance.
16. Set up online banking, and pay student loan bill online.
17. Give decent driving directions, rather than directing friends and associates to Mapquest.com.
18. Legally change name back to original name, meaning that I will no longer sign receipts in an immature, passive aggressive fashion (squashing my married name down to a squiggly blip).
19. Obtain DC driver's license in original name.
20. When the papers come through, throw a rockin' divorce party. Hey, if you get a party when you get married, you should get one when you get divorced.

In other news, Victoria is famous. I remember when she was in second grade, and now she's stripping down to her underwear at the CUA quad. How time flies!

2 comments:

Trish said...

Sorry I think I got all idiot this year...You will finish your list ...and if you need reminders that if we could survive Mr. Van Winkle we could survive anything you know where I am...and if you need a place to run to the spare bed is empty and this is the only time of year it's warm on the island!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi random person - I stumbled upon your blog while googling to find out if Alan Secrest is anti-abortion (don't ask), and found it rather entertaining. I think it's because, you know, being an adult who manages all the tasks of grown-upness is my biggest accomplishment in life, and a recent conquest, and I can recognize the joy of seemingly inconsequential conquests. And I live in, and love, DC.

With respect to your admirable list, I think learning to drive a stick shift is one of the most useful skills in the universe. I regularly thank my parents for torturing me at 16 teaching me to drive on one, and now I can drive a cute little classic convertible when not taking the metro.

Careful with the power tools. Not only can they be dangerous, but addicting. I don't have any idea when I'm going to use my masonry drill *ever* again. But apparently men get all aggressive when they find out I have one. I guess if I need to evict an unwanted suitor from my house, I can put the thing in a large mouse-trap. :)