Yesterday, a man emailed me a photo of himself in a wife beater and tighty-whities, with his face blurred out. This sort of thing happens to me a lot.I’m used to receiving the arty shirtless pics, and weenie-cam, and plenty of other forms of Internet skeeviness. But this particular photo freaked me out completely.
Here’s why: I couldn’t figure out who took the picture.
Did Captain Underpants ask his roommate to take it? “Dude, I need you to take a photo of me. Hold on a sec, I've gotta sprawl seductively on this bed in my briefs.” Or he had a friend come over to help him out. Maybe they made a man-date of it, taking turns lounging about in their underwear and snapping photos. Then, to counteract the potential gayness of the whole enterprise, they went out to a strip club or to beat up some nerds.
Or, more likely, he used a tripod and a timer. Fiddle, fiddle, punch some buttons, dash over to the bed, and get into a supine position before the timer goes off. I bet he had a whole photo shoot, and got in an awesome workout from all the dashing about.
Aw, hell, I just figured out the most likely photographer of all: his wife.
Any man who tells you he can “host,” at a hotel, in Reston, and sends out a blurry-faced photo of himself is most assuredly married.
My digital camera has a remote control. I can line up the shot on a tripod and then snap the photo from anywhere. I've taken a couple of self-portraits this way, but I was always fully clothed when I did. The remote is tiny. It would be easy to hide it somewhere for photo purposes.
ReplyDeleteGilahi, that sounds like the ideal technological advance for a pervo in the know.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have definitely had my roommate take artfully suggestive pictures of me. She is cool like that.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, how the hell am I gonna get my new roomie to take pictures of me sprawled out on my bed in black lace? I will take suggestions.
Nothing of the sort has ever happened to me. I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.
ReplyDeleteClio
Wow. That's super creepy and also hilarious.
ReplyDeleteLemmonex, bribe her with baked goods. Or offer to take her photo.
ReplyDeleteClio, I'm not sure, either. But you're more than welcome to Tighty Whitey Guy. He can HOST, y'all.
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ReplyDeleteno doubt... married! you should have sent him back a pic of "yourself" (random pic of male in hus underwear that you find on google images, of course)
ReplyDelete"That's super creepy and also hilarious."
ReplyDeleteMuch like life, Jo. Much like life.
Charlotte - even better would be if I knew the guy, and could email him back with...a photo of his wife. That would RULE.
ReplyDeleteShannon, gotto post the pictre for all of us to properly ridicule.
ReplyDeleteC'mon, Lem, you were so close to becoming the first two-time Threadskanker with the "sprawled in black lace" comment. I think if you got rid of the black lace you'd be a shoe-in.
Dew, is it possible to threadskank a pre-skanked post? I mean, I'm talking about naked people here.
ReplyDeleteI'm not posting the photo. Sorry, I have a rule about not posting confidential emails. Even when I'd really, really like to. But I'll forward the heck out of that email - any requests? Lemmonex had her eyeballs scalded yesterday and lived to tell the tale.
Speechless - I'm simply speechless. I've never had any pervy guys bug me on line. I'm not sure that is a good thing though, since I seem to attract stalkers in the real world all too often.
ReplyDeleteI think it's definitely possible to take a pre-skanked post to a higher level of skankitude. Absolutely doable.
ReplyDeleteYes, my black lace is DELICATE. Don't worry--many more threads to skank in the future.
ReplyDeleteI loved yesterdays email you sent me--please forward this one, dear. I heart tighty whities.
Tina, I find stalkers everywhere I go. It's a talent.
ReplyDeleteDew - fine, Lem's a threadskanker. But as she did so with classy lingerie, we'll let her slide.
Lemmonex - Dude, I'm impressed you even survived. Nothing like a little unsolicited nudity to make the day go by faster.
Wow. On behalf of the entire male species I have to say this guy does *not* speak for us. At least, the decent ones of us.
ReplyDeleteBrandon, I know most guys are nice. But the bad ones tend to be very, very bad.
ReplyDeleteAnd now both Arjewtino and Lemmonex have seen the famous photo. And survived! So if you'd like to see it, too, please send your request to mybrilcareer@yahoo.com. Barf bag optional.
have you ever gotten a picture of a guy you migh legitimately want to hook up with, shannon?
ReplyDeleteenquiring minds want to know.
It makes it so much better that it's tighty whities. Automatic skeeze factor of at least 8.
ReplyDeleteThe best response would be to send him a picture of you dressed in a parka.
ReplyDeleteWhy are people sending you pictures of themselves in their underwear?
Lance, I've dated guys I met online, sure. But "hook up" in the sense of what this guy was getting at? No way.
ReplyDeleteLivitLuvit - really, the tighties are the best part of the whole debacle.
Ibid - because I LOVE underwear, apparently.
ReplyDeleteWow... This sure the heck beats the various body parts involved in the emails my female roommate used to get on match.... And the fact that a) actually took effort to make and b) he choose to wear 2 of the most unfortunate male underwear items.
ReplyDeleteDaniel, really, it was dead sexy. Though I came up with the perfect post title, about 10 hours after I posted this: Preying Manties.
ReplyDeleteManties - Man Panties.
Awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteI think I saw a rant and raves once where a female poster said something to the effect of: If you going to take pictures of your junk, keep your gross man feet out of the picture.
Bates - yeah, I didn't get any weenie-cam, but I did get some skeevies in their skivvies.
ReplyDeleteShannon - for some reason since this whole online dating, some guys like to send me pictures of their wangs - ewww - really save that for the 3rd or 4th date, or whatever the current rule of dating booty is.
ReplyDeleteUnderpants - if you need another guest blogger post on types of pantyloons that are acceptable and not acceptable for the menfolk to wear, please let me know - will be more g rated then the manscaping post haha - I think I scared restaurant with that one.
Zip - a wang-o-gram would have actually been better. As for manly underwear - boxers. Unless you're very fit, in which case you can get away with boxer briefs. No briefs, and for teh love of all that is holy, no man-thongs!
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