Friday, February 28, 2003

Before getting into the special (co-written!) American Idol recap, I'd like to introduce this week's contest, suggested by loyal reader Dave Walker. Fox has announced a Joe Millionaire sequel, that will hold true to the "values" of the original. That's just too funny to pass up, so please send me your reality show concepts. Dave has already submitted "Debbie Organ Donor", so I'm afraid that one's taken. The person with the best concept wins the chance to assign me an episode of the television show of their choice. Touched by an Angel? Mutant X? For the love of God, Married by America? I'll review it! Please send submissions to

And now to our regularly scheduled snark...

American Idol, Airdate 2.24.03

Two specials this week: first, it's a special edition of American Idol. Second, I'd like to introduce my first ever co-snarker, John Butler. J.B. and I watch this show together every week, and this episode was especially awful. We wished to share the pain. Introducing J.B…

What up, dawgs? JB here keeping it real on the blog. Now that I’ve completely lost any self-respect I’ve ever had by becoming a white middle class gangsta’ on Shannon’s blog, I’ll continue. I just felt it appropriate as this week’s episode is filled with utter wannabes and posers. And thongs. Did we mention thongs?

Back to the show: We open with a long and lovely shot of Original Fashion Victim Paula Abdul's outfit: a ruffly coral shirt with white pants. It can really only be described as Bridesmaid Goes Casual Friday. Witless banter ensues about Randy calling everyone "Dawg", and Ryan puts his hand on Simon's mouth. The show insists on keeping the families in the green room, so we recognize that these kids have families and did not come from pods. Which is good, because we had our doubts about Patrick for a while. In fact, all of them move their heads in a strange podlike fashion.

Sylvia: This girl, who has a head like a deflated football, belts out "Didn't We Almost Have it All". By "belt", we mean "smacks a belt across our faces and jams the buckle in our eyeballs." She is the first contestant to chuck elocution entirely, telling the judges she was "feeling her thong." She meant to say "song." Hopefully.

Chip: Chip has an unfortunate cornrow mullet hairstyle and a sweater that even chess nerds would mock. Think D’Angelo meets Bobby Fisher. He renders his s(th)ong virtually unrecognizable, forcing Randy to tell America that it was Donny Hathaway. Chip also does these strange wiggly things with his eyebrows, prompting America to wonder if caterpillars are chewing on his forehead. Chip is the second contestant with a beef against elocution, and tells the cameras he is from "Allanta." Simon slams the sweater, the singing, and the very existence of Chip. Go Simon! All this talk of chips made us hungry, so we cracked a can of Pringles. Much like their Allanta namesake, they were bland and gave us indigestion.

Juanita: Juanita arrives wearing a bizarre asymmetrical outfit that makes her look like she put on her clothes at a 45-degree angle. Paula Abdul regards the ensemble in mild horror, which is about as low as clothing can sink. Juanita's also wearing a Flower Choker of Doom. No one who wears a flower choker makes it to the next round. Shannon/JB debated if Juanita was the stand-in for Halle Berry in the classic movie “Bull” with Warren Beatty. Juanita hollers her way through "What About the Children (read ‘Chirren’)" as America's chirren cower under their sofas. Psychiatrists across the land nod their heads with satisfaction and see reimbursement checks piling in for years to come.

Judging begins, and even Paula slams her. Juanita sticks her ass out and says, "I'm singing this song to America, and asking them to think about the chirren!” Indeed, will no one think of the children? She also provides a great catchphrase, "You just don't know Juanita!" Of course the judges don't know you, you ingrate. You're a 22-year-old nobody, and acting like you know more than the judges is ridiculous. Unless it's Paula. It's perfectly ok to insult her.

Patrick: Patrick is one of those people that could yell "Freebird" at a rock show without a trace of irony. He's wearing spiky bracelets and has arranged his goatee into a ponytail (chintail?). He's here to bring out the "little bit of rock n' roll inside everyone." Patrick also has the unfortunate tendency to make involuntary "sign of the devil" hand signals. For a moment we thought he was giving a shout out to the University of Texas, but we realized we were mistaken. It was, indeed, Satan.

As Patrick reaches the stage, Simon greets him by saying, "Yo." Patrick growls his way through "When I See You Smile" prompting a Shannon/JB debate about whether the song is by Bad English or White Lion. Patrick must die for causing the following sentence to come into being: "No, White Lion did the cover of 'Radar Love', so it must be Bad English." Paula pronounces him "refreshing", much like her tasty Coca-Cola. Hmmm, who wants a Coke? Apparently Patrick’s a Pepsi drinker, because he gets the smackdown from Simon and Randy in a bizarre circular logic debate. Patrick thumps himself in the chest and says that "rock n' roll is here!" If so, we're sure it's dying to join the chirren under the sofa. Paula, finished with her tasty Coca-Cola, says that he's "representin'" as Patrick ambles off the stage to share a squicky cuddle with his sister. The kind of love known only by Angelina and Chris Jolie. Shannon cringed and turned her eyes before the retinas could burn.

Nesheka: All of America could see her bra. The same could not be said for her talent. She mumbles a gospel tidbit that fades from memory as she sings. Simon compares her to Tamyra the Great, though Nesheka argues the point. Dude, you WANT to be compared to Tamyra. Then there's some hope America might have the faintest idea who you are. Nesheka slithers back into blandness. This caused a Shannon/JB discussion of the merits of sucking up to the Judges when you’re given a half-ass complement. Shannon was con, JB pro. Shannon agreed JB had indeed been in PR too long.

Josh: The sun rises and sets on Josh. He's a dad, a Marine, a nice guy, and cute as the dickens. He gets automatic points for living in Oceanside, childhood home of the Stamey sisters. He also gets points for making "Greatest Man of Your Life" enjoyable. The guy can sing, he has a good stage presence, and he probably thinks of the chirren more than Juanita does. He loses points in the interview afterwards, when Simon asks if he would go with his unit if it was called up. Josh pontificates about how it's his job to protect the country. The judges make idiots of themselves fawning over Heroic Josh, who doesn't mention that if you're a Marine, and you're called up, you GO. Or face court-martial. It's not like Josh has a choice in the matter. Nitwits. Shannon forgave Josh because he had great dimples. An American Idol and great skin? JB mentioned that if were to be shipped to Afghanistan, he’d be a shoo in for the one of the top 3 slots. Nothing says great publicity like a trip to the front line.

Ashley: Ashley is a 17-year-old, very pretty blond creature who arrives onstage in a weird salsa dance dominatrix outfit. Read J-Lo meets Bim-Bo. She claims in the interview that while the outfit is risque, it suits her song, which is "gossipy and sexy." She arrives on stage and sings "Touch Me in the Morning." Didn't Juice Newton sing that? And how is it sexy? She is the soul sister of 7th Heaven's Neck-of-Steel Cecilia, down to the weird head movements, blond hair and squeaky voice. Ashley's last school paper probably had the title, "Britney Spears: Feminist Icon or Fashion Pioneer?" While one might argue that’s a good enough application to Vassar, it didn’t get Ashley very far. The judges fawn over how beautiful she is, but Simon trashes her singing: "You sound like a cruise ship singer...halfway through, I pictured the cruise ship sinking." Randy tries to talk her into acting, virtually guaranteeing that Ashley will wind up in porn. We’re not sure, but we think Randy “popped a Coke” for her. Say it with us…Ewww.. Ashley goes backstage and moans to Ryan about how everyone thinks she's pretty and no one thinks she's talented. Poor thing. Corey Camera Whore hugs her while Ryan inappropriately touched. Bad touch, Ryan. Bad touch.

Corey: Corey ambles out with his Guarini-lite hair and half-unbuttoned shirt. He sings "Foolish Heart" by Journey, except he sings it as "Foolish Ha-Wa-Wa-Art" in a weird, girlish chirp. It's good, bad and mediocre all at once. Corey gets a standing ovation from the judges. We commanded Skye’s cat Joey to attack the television in protest. He just looked at us and vomited by the halogen lamp. We figured he was really speaking for all of America at that moment. Maybe he just didn’t know Juanita.

The standing ovation must be a weird meta statement about Fox: this hour of sheer unrelenting awfulness has caused the judges to lose their standards, much how Fox programming as a whole makes its viewers lose their standards. Married by America, anyone?

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

7th Heaven, “High Anxiety”, Airdate 2.24.03

God, this episode ticked me off. Shall we begin?

Lucy decided to drop out of school because she was too busy planning her wedding to Creepy Kevin to study. Not only does Kevin refuse to actually help her plan the wedding, he threatens to break off the engagement if she quits school. See, while he wants to control and manipulate her, he doesn’t want to stand in the way of her dreams. I don’t get how her grades could drop so far in just two weeks. I knew a guy in college who stayed up all night watching porno screen savers and never attending class, and it took him more than two months to nuke his grades. Kevin and Lucy are going to live in the garage apartment when they return from their honeymoon, because there is nothing better for a new marriage than to live with your creepy, intrusive parents. Lucy decides to stay in school after all, because school can’t really be that hard: this is the first time we’ve seen her study all year.

Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard’s father, also a Woefully Miscast Police Officer, guns down a convenience store robber. The robber had been the prime suspect in the murder of Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard’s mother, proving now and forever that Glenoak has the most inept police force ever. A murder suspect spends ten years in a small town, knocking over convenience stores, and no one ever catches him? Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and Chandler argue about the death penalty, although the only death sentence that should have been served in the episode was to Chandler’s outfit: jeans, blazer and a tie. If Chandler is smart enough to have a doctorate at 23, he’s smart enough to know that outfit makes him look like a total frat boy tool.

In case anyone was wondering, Sex is Still Evil. We are treated to a scene where Simon and the Poddlers stare at Neck-of-Steel Cecilia because she’s “beeeeyoooootiful.” Cecilia decides she is terrified of sex, which is hilarious considering she was the one who bought the condoms in their last Sex is Evil episode. All of the sudden she’s all inhibited and frightened? Plus, I’d like, just once, for a guy on this show to have apprehension about sex. It’s always “boys want sex, it’s up to the girls to stop them.”

Ruthie and Brain-Dead Ben go to the Promenade and Ruthie tries to find Ben a new girlfriend. Ruthie drags a lovely girl named Jill over to their table. Jill finds out that they are not on Candid Camera after all, and runs away screaming. As we find out at 8:53, Ruthie is intent on stopping Ben from getting back together with Mary, who has left Ben a plane ticket to Florida. Ruthie spends the whole episode saying, “I love Mary, but she’s….” Beware of anyone who says “I love you, but…” because if there are strings attached, they don’t really love you. I hate Ruthie.

Eric and Annie decide the Token Black Minister Couple, Morgan and Patricia, are having marital problems. They lock the lovely couple in the garage apartment, which is what I had been hoping they would do with Kevin. And Ben, and Roxanne, and Chandler…hell, let’s get rid of the whole cast except Jill. She rocks.

Intentional humor: 4 Unintentional humor: 8 Preachiness: 6 Histrionics: 4 Items thrown at television: 12

Joe Millionaire, “The Aftermath”, Airdate 2.24.03

Also known as the “I Abhora Zora” show. If there had been a little less Little Miss Perfect, and some hint that Sarah even exists, this episode would have been a real treat. We also see that the Fox Network Hyperbole Division has been working overtime, as announcers proclaim that “America was on the edge of its seat” and the “Twist that Shocked America.”

We begin by watching the Anguished Eighteen watch the finale. My girl Alison yells, “Paul is the real Millionaire!” Everyone cheers when Zora wins and tries not to look wistful when they get a million dollars. And, to their credit, they refuse to make fun of Zora’s 1993 Prom Revival outfit. Most likely, it’s because Mojo is wearing a delightful cowboy-theme corset.

Mojo, Alison and Melissa conduct man-on-the-street interviews, because apparently we care what America thinks. I was a pollster long enough to realize that I couldn’t care less what America thinks, so we’ll just skip that section.

We get a lovely Paul the Butler sequence, where he details the demanding behavior of the Anguished Eighteen. We also get the chateau’s French chef bitching about how the women drink Bordeaux with a Coke chaser.

Next, we see Evan’s audition video: the interviewer asks him his name, age, hometown and occupation, and he responds, “whuh?” Best. Scene. Ever. We also get endless footage of women calling Evan charming, which is hilarious considering he’s a meathead mouth-breather whose knuckles practically drag on the ground. Seriously, maybe he’s just not my type, but I just don’t get how Evan is so hot. Can someone explain?

Finally, we get the long-awaited reunion of Evan and Zora. Evan is interviewed first, and talks about how Zora was the nicest girl and most likely to accept him for who he is. Notice he never says he liked her best. Zora is interviewed, and she is perfect and sweet and wants to help her family in Serbia. I bet she was a total tattletale goody-two-shoes in school. The two are reunited, and Zora kisses with even less passion than is usually reserved for a drunk uncle at a wedding reception. They sit about a mile apart in a chemistry-free lump while declaring their love for one another. While I’m sort of glad these two brain-dead lunks have found each other, they may be the most doomed reality-show couple ever.

Still no sign of the Disappearing Host, Alex McLeod. This week’s Conspiracy Theory Winner is Mike West, who posits that Alex was cryogenically frozen and only partially thawed before she was permitted to appear on television. As her lips were too frozen to say anything more than, “I’ll just go get Evan,” her lines were given to Paul.

The episode ends with a romantic shot of Evan and Zora strolling through the woods. Well, it would be romantic if Zora didn’t walk like a truck driver with a hip ailment. Lumber, stomp, lumber, lurch. Lumber, stomp, lumber, lurch. Beautiful.

And everyone lived moronically ever after. The end.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Special thanks to Mike, Laura and Kyle for admiring me in my MoJo outfit (cocktail dress, glitter eyeshadow and a sombrero purchased at South of the Border).

No 7th Heaven this week, because I don’t know how to work my VCR. Lucy plans her wedding, her mom takes over. Blah - wedding planning is dull enough in real life without devoting TV time to it.

Joe Millionaire, Airdate 2.17.03:

Stupid blizzard. Stupid show. Stupid Evan.

Every American, their dogs, various immigrants and the California Raisins tuned in for Evan’s Big Choice. But first, we were treated to an hour-long clip show of the Scorned Women.

Ancient Heidi is still annoying and evil and talks out of one side of her mouth due to bargain-basement Botox. We meet her boyfriend, whose haircut makes mullets appear tasteful. Heidi frolics around a stripper pole to regain her lost sex appeal (discarded sometime around the Renaissance).

Mojomouth still wears silly hats and rides a mechanical bull in seductive slo-mo. America snickers.

Dayana, the one who wore spike heels to muck out stalls, is still calling herself a princess. Seriously, is the high-maintenance girly-girl stuff appealing? If so, I’m gonna try that so I never have to do anything for myself again. Dayana frolics in hot pants and roller skates while her dad watches with deep affection. America showers.

Other scorned women get their last chance at media whoredom. America snores until one (Amanda), points out that Evan was picking women based on boob size. I’d always thought he was pulling a Sean Kenniff alphabet system as well. He started by eliminating the A cups, then the B cups, until we were left with an assortment of Barbie dolls.

The actual hour of programming begins, setting off the montage of “How Much Filler Can America Stand?” Answer: 1 hour, 47 minutes including commercials. When you start perking up at the stupid Wrangler commercial with the bison, you’ve got problems.

We learn more about Sarah. Sarah drives a convertible, wears tube tops, stars in fetish videos, smokes and snickers inappropriately. She's evil.

We learn more about Zora. Zora was going to hock her jewelry to help a sick aunt in Lithuania, works with the elderly, loves puppies and kittens and uses her stove to heat her apartment. I hate Zora now, what an insufferable goody-goody. I’d rather drink Cosmos with Sarah any day of the week.

Evan picks Zora, and tells her the truth. She is dumbstruck in a nice, pretty way. Evan asks Zora to meet him in the ballroom if she would like to “continue the journey”. I announce that every time someone says “journey”, we should all drink. Then I remember that I’m out of beer. Stupid blizzard.

Evan tells Sarah he’s poor, and that he didn’t pick her. Sarah purses her lips, tries to sound nice, and icily hugs him. Mercenary Melissa comes to help her pack, and they whisper about What Happened in the Woods. Sarah mimes something with a sock that my 10th grade health teacher and Oprah would have said definitely counts as sex. Yuck.

Before we get to the Big Twist, I would like to thank the loyal readers who sent in conspiracy theories. Skye Stamey insisted that Zora is a lesbian, because, why not? Dave Walker posited that Zora is secretly a millionaire. Stephanie Wacknov suggested that Zora is a pre-op transsexual because she walks like a water buffalo, has a cleft chin, won’t be seen in a bathing suit, and won’t let Evan touch her.

We are treated to interminable minutes of Evan standing alone in a ballroom as the Big Twist is revealed. Zora arrives in the doorway, wearing a bright blue, bunchy dress that makes her look like Technicolor seaweed. She’s also got 80s mall hair. She tells Evan that she is angry that he lied, but she was actually put off by his money and wishes to continue the journey (drink!).

Paul says that because they chose love over money, they will receive one million dollars. That’s it? That’s the frickin’ twist? What the hell?

Actually, the surprising part about this episode is that there was no mention of Alex McLeod, the Invisible Host. So I’ll take conspiracy theory submissions this week and publish them along with my recap of “Joe Millionaire: the Aftermath.”

Current theories:
1. She’s pregnant
2. Focus groups preferred Paul
3. She is an evil robot
4. Everyone ignored her and she became invisible, like that episode of Buffy
5. She’s dead and has been reanimated by Fox for special appearances

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

FYI: Skye can be visited at her site I'm adjusting to my second week of singleness with a preponderance of chocolate and a minimum of self-evaluation. It's not a permanent strategy, but I've never been one for long-term planning (as my resume can attest).

7th Heaven "Lucy, My Love", Airdate 02/10/03

I hate this stupid show. And I'm newly single, so anything Valentine's Day-related makes me ill. The 7th Heaven Valentine episode was truly the worst of both worlds. I spent most of the episode under my futon, puking a rainbow of fruit flavors and simpering.

We begin with a Lucy Nightmare (funny how well those two words go together). She's having a romantic dinner with Kevin, and Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard swoops in and steals her man. Lucy screams and awakes to find her entire family staring at her. God, these people creep me out. Kevin left her a dress to wear that night. Not only does Kevin select her friends, he now picks out her clothing. Lucy will never have to think again! That Kevin sure is one hell of a catch. He's tall, and has not one, but TWO facial expressions!

Kevin arranges an elaborate proposal featuring Jazz Legend Bobby Short and cornrow legend Bo Derek (who is only ranked third in guest star credits). We know it's Jazz Legend Bobby Short because Lucy walks in and says, "Is that Jazz Legend Bobby Short"? I wish she'd come in and said, "Is that Kid Rock?", just to mess with America. The entire Camden clan is in attendance, because there is nothing more romantic than getting engaged in front of the drooling Poddlers, your parents, your siblings, and their dates. Oh, and Kevin has been hiding the fact that he's wealthy, which is no surprise to anyone because he also hid a previous marriage from Lucy. What a prize. Every girl dreams of her very own neanderthal reverse Joe Millionaire.

In Subplot Purgatory, Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard wore a dress I can only describe as Disco Infernal. She and Chandler go to the same hotel as Kevin and Lucy, she throws herself at Chandler, they almost get engaged, and she and Lucy have a catfight in the ladies' room. Yeah, I didn't care, either.

The Reverend and Annie have a romantic evening, which is hilarious because they've been sniping at each other all season. They snuggle, fully clothed, in a hotel bed. Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare kiss, prompting me to wonder if he can discharge his teeth like a porcupine's spines. Creepy Kevin's brother, Brain-Dead Ben, makes out with Teeth-to-Spare's mother. It's the Poddlers' birthday, but Annie says that "Nobody cares about a birthday party with the boys." Was she speaking for the viewers? Oh, and squeaky Neck-of-Steel Cecilia baby talks to Simon, causing dogs to bark all over Glenoak.

I hate this show.

Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 12 Preachiness: 5 Emotional trauma: 2 Histrionics: 9

New category. Number of items I threw at the television: 16 (a new record!)

Joe Millionaire, Airdate 02/10/03

This was one long (Lord how long...) clip show. So, previously on Joe Millionaire: God said, "Let there be light." An ark was constructed. Lot's wife became a pillar of salt. The Roman Empire. The Crusades. The Renaissance. Invention of the television. Invention of Joe Millionaire. Twenty women awkwardly dancing with Evan. Twelve women picking grapes. Five women in Paris. Four women. Three women. Two women! Liftoff!

Except not really. Both women go on walks in the woods with Evan. Sarah and Zora talk to the camera. I balance my checkbook. Zora does yoga. I do my taxes. Evan talks to the camera. I clean out the closets. Paul sits by the fireplace. I clip my toenails. Alex McLeod, the ostensible host of the show, is wheeled out to give her weekly 20-second spiel. I perk up momentarily, because it's Alex McLeod, then I realize it's only her evil robot twin, so I pluck my eyebrows.

The only fun part was the clip of Sarah's tango lesson, which is SO much funnier now that we know she does foot fetish and bondage films. Evan buys her a corset with "laces up the top" and "strappy shoes" because she's "really into shoes." Evan says Sarah is "easygoing", but I'll only believe the first two syllables.

Oh, and the Freudian Slip of the Week prize goes to Zora. She says that Evan may choose Sarah because "She's convenient...geographical proximity!" The episode ends with Evan saying something to somebody, but nobody gets picked. Don't worry, Mike is writing a mean letter to Fox in the morning.

Paul ends the episode by saying there's a twist to the game and the rumors are true. My top ten rumors, some I've heard and some I've made up:

1. Evan really IS a millionaire
2. Paul is really the millionaire
3. Sarah/Zora is a millionaire
4. The winner will be offered a million dollars to dump Evan
5. Alex McLeod is an evil robot
6. Evan is an actor, and the whole thing is scripted
7. The cast will be put in a cage with the animals from When Animals Attack.
8. Evan has opposable thumbs.
9. Sarah's boobs are real.
10. Evan will be offered a million dollars to dump the woman he's chosen.

Got a conspiracy theory? Email me at, and I'll add it to next week's review.

Next week: the Anguished Eighteen find out that Evan is poor and snipe behind his back. Evan picks somebody and owns up to the truth. America sits on the edge of its seat.

Finally, it's a shame hat-loving Mojomouth didn't win, because she could have bought her wedding dress from this site. Bridal cowboy hats, with veils!

Hazel's Western Weddings

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Hey folks, on the personal news front: Skye is on her way to LA, she is safe and happy. Matt left on Sunday, we are no longer dating but are going to stay friends. He’s in Miami right now and heads to Bogota on Wednesday.

7th Heaven, “Smoking”, Airdate 2.03.03

Smoking is bad. It’s worse than premarital sex, murder, or devil worship.

The weather forecast in Glenoak called for a rain of anvils last night, as every character finds out that it’s Evil to Smoke. This episode made my brain hurt.

Ruthie and her boyfriend, Teeth-to-Spare, go see a movie where all the characters smoke. Ruthie walks out of the film and delivers a PSA about how Smoking is Evil and Movie Characters Smoke so Children Will Smoke. Teeth-to-Spare says that he smokes (gasp!). But don’t worry, he quits smoking at 8:53. So don’t smoke, kids, or you’ll have to date Ruthie.

Creepy Kevin’s brother, Brain-Dead Ben, asks Kevin to come meet his new girlfriend Betty. Betty has even more teeth than Ruthie’s boyfriend, and sort of looks like she swallowed a box of Chiclets in an adolescent prank. Betty leaves a cigarette in an ashtray and burns down her house. So don’t smoke, kids, it will make you dumber than Ben.

Chandler’s Evil Twin (played by the actor’s real-life twin) blows into town on his motorcycle. He has sleeveless shirts, a leather jacket, tattoos, and smokes cigarettes. The best part, though, is that the ex-junkie rebel brother is named…Sid! All fear Sid! So, kids, don’t smoke, it will give you yellow teeth, a lameass name, and poor fashion sense.

Evil Sid takes Lucy out for dinner to make Kevin jealous (I should have a macro for “to make _____ jealous”). Kevin doesn’t care, because he’s taken up cigarettes to cope with the Stress of Asking Lucy to Marry Him. Lucy finds out that he’s been smoking and decides it’s because she’s been pressuring Kevin to get engaged. Well, for once I feel bad for Lucy: you don’t tell your girlfriend that you want to get married, then drag your ass for six months with no ring. That’s just mean and inconsiderate. Anyways, Lucy proposes a deal where he doesn’t have to ask her yet, and in exchange she will stop acting crazy about it. How that is a compromise, and not just letting Kevin completely off the hook, is totally over my head. So, kids, don’t smoke, or you’ll have to marry Lucy.

Finally, Chandler finds out that Sid is in town because their estranged dad is dying. Three guesses what he is dying of (lung cancer, lung cancer, and lung cancer). Chandler sobs in the arms of Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and bitches about how his dad cut him off when he decided to go into the ministry. Oh, poor widdle adult, having to pay his own expenses! The Reverend says something inspirational and gives him a pamphlet, most likely called You and Your Lung Cancer. So, kids, don’t smoke, or you’ll get lung cancer and your children will date sex-crazed, woefully miscast harpies.

Here endeth the lesson.

Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 9 Preachiness: 86 Emotional trauma: 4 Histrionics: 11

Joe Millionaire, Episode 5, Airdate 2.03.03

Blah blah blah, shoveling dirt, montage of Mojo’s glitter eyeshadow, ho hum, Christ these are the longest credits ever….oh wait, HERE’s the credits, and yup, they’re still going on…I hate filler.

Once the filler ends, Paul the Butler tells us that each of the remaining girls is going on an overnight date. Melissa is taken to Cannes, where the two of them mangle French (the word Cannes was NEVER meant to be twanged). But that’s not enough for Melissa: she must mangle English as well. I had never before knew that the sun “setted.” Har. Melissa and Evan go out for a schmancy dinner, where Melissa wears such a low-cut dress that her pups keep escaping from their kennel. Melissa puts out.

Evan takes Zora to Tuscany, where he wins the Freudian Slip prize: he asks Zora if she got that “breast” in Paris. Zora laughs and says she is wearing a “dress.” I like her, she’s a good sport. They go swimming and Zora doesn’t put out. The next morning, she tells him she had a dream that he was two people. Evan looks uncomfortable, because Zora is SO onto him.

Evan’s last date is with Sarah, and he takes her to Nice. She tries to talk him into climbing a tree for her, but he won’t do it. Wimp. (Confidential to Sarah: Mike West has offered to climb a tree for you anytime you want.) They have another fancy dinner, and Sarah puts out.

The next night, in a mighty battle, Evan’s conscience finally subdues his penis. He realizes that he’s doing a terrible thing by lying to these women. He tells a producer that the lie is “eating his brain out”, which I imagine would make for a pretty light snack.

This week’s Assboot goes to Melissa, while Sarah and Zora get diamond necklaces. Zora gets one because she didn’t put out, and Sarah gets one because she did a better job of putting out than Melissa. Melissa attempts to be a good sport, by hugging Evan, saying goodbye to the girls, and asking to see their “pretty pendants.” However, she comes across as shrill and pathetic. It’s pretty bad: Mojomouth left with more dignity.